Yes, Those Are My Real Ears
by Seldavia
Summary: A thirtysomething geek transports the Three to an anime/game convention. Our heroes and villain must navigate their way through cosplayers and strange fanart to find their way home. Rated for some off-color humor.
1. Andy Markelson, Geek of Doom

"At last! It is finished!"

Andy Makelson held up the device he had created with his own hands, during his lunch breaks and lousy three weeks of vacation time. In the tattered finery of New York's formerly fabulous California Hotel (across the street from Madison Square Garden), he grinned in pleasure and rubbed his balding head, knowing that his good-for-nothing boss would regret firing him now.

Any engineer could design a machine that created sofa cushions! He had made a device that could _summon individuals from other dimensions!_

No more meals of Spaghettios and ramen noodles! No more living in boarding houses! He would be set for life once he demonstrated its power! The Trekkies of the world would pay him _millions_ to summon the real Kirk or Picard, just for a few _seconds!_ To say nothing of all the other fandoms out there!

"And now, to test it!"

Andy straightened his belt and his cloak. For today, he was not Andy Makelson. He was Aragorn Rinku III, the finest sorcerer in all of Hyrule! Link deemed him lifelong friend! Ganondorf trembled at his presence! Zelda had met with him on many a midnight tryst!

He had made Aragorn's costume specifically for AnimeGameCon 6, the reason for which he lived and breathed. Even now, the denizens of many fan bases mingled in the ballrooms below. He had waited for this day for a very, very long time, to achieve his lifelong goal.

_To win the cosplay contest!_

So many failed opportunities! The judges did not understand the point of cosplay. So what if he didn't look a thing like any game character? They were all based on unrealistic human anatomy. Well, except for the talking animals.

But this time he would surely win, in the group category…for no cosplayer could compete with the _real_ Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf!

Eagerly he tapped the buttons on the device, sweat pouring down his face. _Yes, yes…adjust this, tweak that…yes, it's coming along nicely…_

A brilliant flash lit up the hotel room. Andy rubbed his eyes, looked up, and shrieked in victorious ecstasy. "_EUREEEEKAAAA!!!"_

The tall, dark man in black armor stared at him like he might at a bug in the bathroom. "What in the name of Din?"

"What is this place?" the regally dressed woman asked.

"And who are you?" a young man clad in green demanded, pointing to Andy.

Andy bowed. "I am the famous sorcerer Aragon Rinku III!"

The three exchanged glances. "Who are you really?" Ganondorf demanded.

"No, no! I'm a sorcerer! Watch and be amazed!" Andy ran over to the TV and turned it on. "Ooohhhh…see the pretty moving pictures? Are you not impressed?"

They all gaped at him for a moment, then Link walked over to a window. "What in the world? What kind of tower is this?"

The other two joined him. "There's _more_ of them," Zelda exclaimed. "Some even taller than this one! And look how high we are!"

"What are those yellow things? Bugs?" Ganondorf squinted at a fleet of cabs.

Pouting, Andy strode over to them. "I _am_ a sorcerer! I summoned you here with this!" He held up his device.

Ganondorf snatched it out of his hands, turning it over and over in his own, ignoring Andy's protests. "How do I make it send us back home?"

"Let me see," Zelda reached for it.

"No no no!" Andy stamped his foot. "I summoned you here to help me win the cosplay contest. All the others are downstairs! We have to go!"

"Okay. If you won't show us how to use the thing, then we'll ask one of the others." Link strode purposefully toward the door.

Andy jumped in front of him. "No way. I've spent years on this. _You're_ going to do what I tell you."

Ganondorf picked him up by his collar. "Make me."

Andy whimpered. "Uh….please?"

-&-

"Did you have to stuff him in the closet? I would have thought tying him up would have been sufficient," Zelda told Ganondorf as they strode down the hall.

"Meh. Don't want that little nut following us," he grumbled.

Link examined a sign on the wall. It said "Rooms 1001 – 1020", "Elevator", and "Vending Machines". Only the first one made any sense to him. "Where do you suppose the stairs are, so we can get out of here and find some other sorcerer to send us back?"

Ganondorf tapped the red-and-white plastic over his head. "What, didn't you see the "Exit" sign?"

Link stared. "People must get lost in this place a lot."

Finally they reached a door labeled "Stairway". Just as they were about to enter, a set of sliding doors behind them opened with a _ding_. They turned to see a group of people Link and Zelda's age, dressed in everything from castle ballroom fare to battle armor. One of them darted out and another yelled behind him, "Hurry up! I'll hold the elevator for you."

A girl dressed all in black snorted. "He's always forgetting stuff." She looked up to see the three Hylians. "Hey, you guys. It's a long way down the stairs…want to take the elevator?"

They assumed the "elevator" was the lift contraption the kids were standing in. The other passengers squeezed together, as Ganondorf took up a good third of it all by himself. "Are you going to where the sorcerers are?" Zelda asked them.

"Sorcerers, warriors, Pokemon trainers, everything," the boy holding the elevator laughed. He had dyed his hair silver and carried a very large sword…which was obviously fake. Link wondered what he intended to do with it. Another boy with orange hair, dressed in an odd black-and-white outfit, had a more realistic sword, a long thin type Link had never seen before.

"I got it!" Puffing, the portly boy returned, tying some kind of scarf on his head that made his brown hair stick out on both sides. It had a metal plate with a leaf symbol on it.

"I can't believe you forgot something like that," the girl in black chided him as the doors closed.

"Is it some kind of protective talisman?" Zelda asked, curious.

"You don't know? You must be more into the games than the anime then," the boy said. "It's a symbol of identity."

"Oh," the three Hylians said simultaneously, not understanding a word except for the last part.

The doors opened and they found themselves in a large lobby. The kids walked off, not paying attention to the three gaping at the paneled walls, the chandeliers, the people with bags of luggage speaking at the front desk.

Zelda cocked her head and listened to the conversations. "I think we're in an inn of some kind."

"Fanciest inn I ever saw," Link commented.

"There sure are a lot of strangely dressed people here." Ganondorf stared at a man in a gray tunic, with a little piece of fabric tied around his neck and hanging down in front. He picked up his briefcase and returned the stare.

Link pointed to a crowd of people off to their left. "I see a couple people who could be sorcerers down there…maybe that's where the gathering is?"

They joined the scrum at the door, lots of people talking and jostling about. A harried-looking woman was taking green bits of paper from the people and handing them little cards. "I suppose she's the one in charge," Zelda remarked.

"Whoa!" a high, thin voice exclaimed behind them. They turned to see a short boy wearing ridiculous red suspenders, a red hat, and a fake mustache. "That's the most _awesome_ Ganondorf costume I've ever seen!"

"Costume?" he echoed.

"Yeah. Where'd you get the armor? Did you buy it on eBay?"

Ganondorf looked down at himself, completely flummoxed. "Uh…I made it?"

"That's so totally cool! Hey, Jessa!" He hollered to a small girl wearing an even more ridiculous costume, a lot of fuzzy fabric and face paint made up to look like a fox with two tails. "Come look at this!"

"Omigod!" She embraced Link, catching him completely off guard. "You are the _cutest_ Link I've ever seen!"

"Um…thanks?" he looked to Zelda for an explanation.

"How many Links do you see on a daily basis?" she asked.

"Hey there, handsome." Ganondorf looked down in stupefaction to see a young woman addressing him. She was dressed in about three square inches of blue fabric, had short white dyed hair, and a funny-looking sword that seemed to pull out into a chain. "What're _you _doing tonight?"

He couldn't help staring, but turned away quickly. "I don't think I'm your type…" The others seemed to be having similar problems. A gaggle of girls crowded around Link, and Zelda attempted to place herself between the other two, keeping a wary eye on a group of young men whose looks spoke volumes.

"_There_ you are!" somebody yelled from beyond the crowd. A pencil-necked, bespectacled man with a clipboard marched his way up to them. "Finally, the professionals are here! Follow me."

"Does he know who we are?" Link whispered to Zelda. "He seems to know who we are."

"So did those other people, and I've never seen any of them in my life," she replied.

They came to a large, full theater; but they did not enter through the double doors. Instead, the pencil-necked man led them backstage, and said, "Well, now you're here, at least. Go ahead and get started. And please, try to involve the audience a little bit this time? Last year's performance was such a dud." He turned on his heel and left.

Ganondorf twisted his face into an expression of utter confusion. "Did either of you understand _any _of that?"

Before they could reply, the curtain before them raised up, and the glare of stage lights blinded them, accompanied by loud cheers from the audience. Squinting, Link demanded, "What the heck is going on?"


	2. A Brilliant Performance

Before any of them could move, the pencil-necked man danced out on stage in front of them and addressed the audience. "Welcome, welcome everyone, to AnimeGameCon 6! We've got a wonderful agenda for you all today…"

The Three huddled together. "These people seem to think we're traveling minstrels. What should we do?" Zelda asked.

"Blow up the place and run," Ganondorf muttered.

"That's your answer to everything, isn't it?" Link glanced over his shoulder at the MC, still gibbering away. "Somehow, everybody seems to know who we are, even though we're nowhere near Hyrule."

"Perhaps they've heard the stories," Zelda said on sudden inspiration, "and perform plays to tell them."

"Who cares? Let's just leave," Ganondorf grumbled urgently, casting a wary eye on the audience.

Zelda shook her head. "We need to find somebody to help us get home. If we don't perform well, they might not want to talk to us."

"I can make them talk to us," Ganondorf offered.

Link ignored him. "How should we do it?"

Zelda paused. "Well, I'm sure the stories always start with Ganondorf screwing things up…"

"_Excuse_ me," the warlord growled, "but I am _not_ putting myself on display like some _jester_ for these _fools_…"

"I'll back you up if you run out of ideas. Link, whenever you're ready, you come onstage and do your thing."

"Now wait just a minute-"

"And, without further ado," the MC called out, "I give you the first act of the entertainment for the evening!" The audience cheered.

Ganondorf snarled at the retreating MC's back, "How _dare_ you refer to my predicament as _entertainment!_"

Deafening cheers from the audience.

He thrust an accusing finger at them, roaring, "All of you will pay for this ludicrous assault on my reputation! Entire towns will be bathed in my destruction!"

More cheers.

Link and Zelda snickered behind their hands. "He's a really good actor, isn't he?" Link commented.

"We need to intervene before he gets too heated up. Wait here." Zelda ran up to Ganondorf's side and gave the rows of spectators a disarming smile. "Hello everyone!" she called out. They yelled back, Ganondorf turning to her with a strange mix of rage and befuddlement on his face.

"What _are _you doing?" he demanded.

"Just play along," she insisted. Turning back to the audience, she called out, "All right, I'm sure all of you have heard the story before, so as we start we're going to have you choose the next scene to make it a little more interesting, all right?"

Thunderous applause, in the wake of which a single male voice called out, "Take off your clothes!"

She ignored that. "Okay, everyone, let's begin!" She raised her hand to her forehead in a classic melodramatic pose of pathos. "My kingdom has been conquered once again by the Dark Forces of Evil! Whatever shall I do?"

Ganondorf stood gaping at her for a good ten seconds before she hit him on the arm and hissed, "_Say something."_.

"_Like what?"_ he demanded.

"_Just make something up!"_

"Uh…" he looked with uncertainty out at the eager audience. "Er…yes, nothing can stop me now from ruling Hyrule…again…"

Zelda shook her finger at him. "You won't speak that way when my Hero arrives!" Link waved at the audience from backstage.

Ganondorf frowned at the ecstatic audience. _Ye gods, do they WANT it to be bad?_ "No, he won't," he said aloud. "I've dispatched my evil minions of…evil…and…" _What on earth is wrong with me? Do I have stage fright or something?_ "And he's too cute to defeat them. Yeah, and he's stupid, and he smells like Lake Hylia at low tide."

The audience erupted into laughter at this and the mock-angry face Link made. Ganondorf decided to run with it. He picked Zelda up and held her in the crook of his arm, ignoring her surprised yelp and indignant protests. Raising his hand and facing the audience, he declared in a booming voice that echoed throughout the theater, "Hyrule is mine and all who defy me shall meet their doom in the fiery depths of my castle!"

Wild cheers. Link waited for the excitement to die down before he ran upstage, drawing his sword. "Fear not, for the Hero has arrived!"

"Hey! Link doesn't talk!" somebody yelled from the audience.

All three dropped their poses, their heads swiveling toward the voice as one. "What?!"

"He does _so_ talk!" A high, reedy voice shouted back, from the other side of the theater.

"Oh really?" the first person snapped with a heavy dose of sarcasm. "In which game have you ever heard him say anything?"

A skinny girl rose up and confronted the two boys. "You morons, you're supposed to play _as_ Link, and do the talking for him! That's why they always have you enter your name at the beginning of the game!"

"Do you have _any _idea what they're talking about?" Link asked Zelda.

She shrugged. "I guess the lore of this place states that you're mute…for some reason."

Ganondorf snickered. "I wish."

Zelda called out to the audience, which had begun to bubble with competing arguments. "Everyone, everyone, please! Our Hero does not need to speak in order to win your admiration! You can judge him by his deeds!"

Link and Ganondorf looked at each other. "Now what?" Ganondorf asked.

"Sword fight?" Link suggested. "Not a real one!" he added hastily upon seeing Ganondorf's eyes light up.

"Fine." The warlord grunted his disappointment. "You cannot reach your Princess, because she is encased in an impenetrable spell!" He turned to Zelda and pointed. "Go stand over there."

The two crossed swords, prompting raucous shouts from the audience. Luckily, all the ambient noise covered up the arguing between the two.

"_Ganondorf, lighten it up a bit, will you?"_

_"No. It should be realistic."_

_"We don't need realistic blood! OW! You whacked me in the head!"_

_"Accident."_

_"OW! You did it again!"_

_"Another accident."_

_"I'll give you accident…!"_

The fight ended in a scuffle, with Ganondorf grimacing as Link sank his teeth into his hands. "You lose, Hero!" he shouted, holding him high in the air. "I now commit thee to the Orchestra Pit of Doom!"

Link flailed in the air as he soared into a neat arc, trying to reach the edge of the stage, but failed. With a resounding crash, he broke two oboes and a double bass. The audience responded with applause.

"Link!" Zelda rushed to the side of the orchestra pit. "Are you all right?"

"Ow…" he rose painfully to his feet inside the pit.

Zelda glared at Ganondorf, who merely shook his head. "_Keep calm, all right? I think I've come up with a way to get out of this,"_ he whispered to her.

Turning to the audience, he bellowed, "The Hero has been defeated! Is there no one present worthy of my challenge!"

A good sixteen individuals, dressed like Link in varying degrees of accuracy, stampeded toward the stage. Joining them came nearly half the theater, all of them dressed in outfits ranging from cardboard-and-tinfoil to elaborately decorated spandex. One of the Links issued a challenge, another tried to push him aside, and instantly a fight broke out involving every person in the room.

Ganondorf reached into the orchestra pit and pulled Link out. "Let's leave all this brouhaha, shall we?"

The Three quietly exited, stage right.

-&-

"Does anybody remember what that thing Andy had was called?" Link scratched his head, trying to determine which among the oddly-dressed masses might be a sorcerer.

"I don't think he said what it was, aside from that it could summon people from other dimensions," Zelda offered.

Ganondorf frowned at the device in his hands. "I can't make heads or tails of this…otherwise I'd just try to use it myself. I've never seen anything like it."

"Maybe we should go ask him," Zelda offered half-heartedly.

"He's not going anywhere," Ganondorf snorted. "Hey you," he called to a passing young woman in a blue robe. "Do you know how to work this thing?"

She took it from him and examined it. "What is it, some kind of handheld game?"

"It summons people from other dimensions."

She laughed and handed it back. "Sorry, I'm not _that_ much of a tech geek."

Ganondorf turned to Link, who shrugged. "I guess it's complicated," Link said.

Zelda pointed to a room off to their left. "I see lots of machines in there, like the moving-picture one Andy showed us. Maybe we could ask someone there?"

"Is as good a place to start as any." Link led the three inside. Every inch of space on the walls were occupied by large versions of the picture-box, all bursting with colorful moving images. They must have been impressive to the natives, too, because they all stood with rapt attention as if witnessing a miracle.

Zelda shook herself out of a trance. "Let's split up and start asking questions."

Ganondorf walked to the other side of the room, glad for an excuse to leave the other two behind. But before asking any questions, he took a good look at what was so entrancing about the picture-boxes. They were like paintings come to life. Some looked abstract – floating diamonds and shapes that appeared to be some sort of puzzle – but most of them featured people fighting. Ganondorf noticed with a jolt that some of the people in front of the picture-boxes must have been _controlling_ the images, because they ran their fingers over little boxes as they watched, and the spectators cheered them on.

_One of these must be a sorcerer who knows about transdimensional devices…_

The people in the moving paintings looked so strange, he wondered if these people had actually brought individuals from other dimensions to fight for them. It was the only logical explanation. _I wonder…_

In the far corner he spotted a large group of people dressed vaguely like himself and the other two. Edging his way through the crowd, he got near enough to the picture-box to see what was going on. His eyes went wide, and then he whirled around.

He found both of the others listening intently to a young man giving a long rambling speech about something. "And then, once you have the 10 rings of power, you can warp to any world you like, but I have to admit I haven't gotten that far yet…"

Ganondorf grabbed both their arms and pulled them, hard. "What's wrong with you?" Link demanded. "We're getting valuable information here!"

"You've _got_ to see this," Ganondorf insisted, yanking them toward the crowd in the corner.


	3. Playing Games

**Author's Notes: Believe it or not, I'm gonna run out of material in the next couple of chapters. Feel free to email suggestions. ;-)**

After many a push and a shove and a "Hey, watch it!", Ganondorf managed to thrust the other two in front of him next to the picture box. The controlling fighter held a white stick in his hand, and the picture-box portrait mimicked his moves.

The controller, as well as the image, looked almost exactly like Link. And the opponent he battled was unmistakably supposed to be Ganondorf.

The two Hylians' mouths dropped open, and they stared at the screen for a good five minutes. Ganondorf watched the controller, who looked ridiculous in his eyes, flailing around stupidly as the crowd cheered him on. _If Link fought like that, I wouldn't even have to break a sweat…_

The mad-dance moves must have been some secret weakness for the portrait Ganondorf. With a last crazy thrust and chop, the controller threw portrait-Ganondorf on his back and – with no movement from the controller – portrait-Link ran him right through with his sword. Everybody except Ganondorf cheered.

The yells startled Link out of his trance and looked up to see Ganondorf frowning like a thundercloud. "Uh…somehow I don't think any of that was real…"

"How are they doing this?" Zelda wondered aloud.

A scuffle started among an extremely tall imp-Midna and an extremely short mail carrier. "I was here first!" Each said to the other as they fought over the white stick.

Link stepped forward. "Does that stick control the images on the screen?" he asked them.

They stopped and gave him very different but equally patronizing stares. "Well, _duh_," the imp-Midna told him, drawing out the last word in a drawl. "This is the Wii version."

"Can we try it?" Zelda asked, eager to explore this new type of magic.

The mail carrier gave them a baleful look. "You have to wait in line," he stated as if speaking to a small child.

"This is stupid," Ganondorf muttered. "Who are you fighting? I don't see Link playing anyone opposite him here." Some of the portrait-boxes had a pair of controllers facing off, but this wasn't one of them.

"Yeah, playing against the computer is lame," said a mousy-haired girl who had – for whatever reason – dressed herself in Link's tunic. "If you want to play as Ganondorf, they've got Super Smash Brawl over there."

He didn't understand any of the words other than "smash" and "brawl" connected with his name, but that was good enough for him. He headed off in the direction the girl pointed as Zelda examined the wires around the picture box and Link stood patiently in line.

The picture-box Ganondorf approached featured strange-looking people fighting random fights in random locations with random objects. It was all very frenetic and hard to follow, and he had a hard time figuring out what the objective was. _It seems almost like some kind of bloodsport…they cheer louder the crazier it gets, with a big yell every time someone gets hurled offscreen!_

This picture-box game allowed the controllers to choose their opponents, and he noticed that his portrait showed up there, as well as that of the other two. Suddenly he jerked out of his thoughts as he felt someone touching him. He looked down in consternation to see a young woman in a frilly pink poofy dress running gloved hands over the links in his armor on his side.

"Can I help you?" He asked in a tone that was anything but helpful.

"Woooowww," she said more to herself than to him, "it looks really real."

"That's because it _is_ real, dolt."

His words did nothing to discourage her. In fact, much of the crowd turned from the picture-box and focused their attention on him.

"You're going to have to stop that," he said amidst a flurry of equally inane questions, as a girl in a fairy costume tugged on the metal crown interwoven in his hair.

One of the controllers called to him amidst the insanity. "Hey, I haven't seen you here before. Want to play?" He held out one of the white sticks.

He eyed the boy, who wore a funny cap and had a fluffy yellow stuffed animal draped over his shoulder. "Are you challenging me?"

"Challenging? Sure, why not?"

Ganondorf took the white stick with the slightest hint of uncertainty. "I don't think I've used one of these before."

"Don't worry, there's lots of people who haven't used the Wii yet," the stuffed-animal boy said. "Go ahead and practice first. I'll go easy on you. You use that one to attack, that one to move your character." The boy chose a funny yellow creature similar to the one on his shoulder, and Ganondorf of course chose himself.

He wasn't prepared for the start. Confused, he tried to do something – anything – amid the yelling crowd and the squeaks of the yellow creature, which apparently could use lightning as a weapon. His doppelganger seemed incapable of speech, only making stupid grunts on the off chance he managed to make it punch or kick. He did, however, make a ridiculous scream when the fluffy critter knocked him offscreen.

This elicited laughs from the audience. He suddenly realized that even though everyone knew who he was – and some had attempted to dress like him – none of them would know the real thing if it burnt them alive (something he had to try very hard to restrain himself from doing). _But why?_

He shook himself out of his thoughts. To figure out how this world worked, he would have to understand everything about it, including its bizarre and ineffectual methods of fighting. "That was a warm-up," he said as a spiky-haired boy dressed all in orange reached for his white stick. "Let's try this again."

Link sheepishly handed over his white stick after being soundly beaten into the ground by a lowly goblin. "Uh, nice try?" Zelda offered, having long given up trying to figure out how the picture-boxes worked. All she could discern was that it drew some kind of energy from a box on the floor, but how it converted that energy into the pictures they saw was a complete mystery to her. She couldn't sense even the slightest hint of a spell. In fact, this place seemed devoid of magic, or a least the kind she was familiar with.

He shrugged. "It doesn't work if you're left-handed, I guess. And it didn't seem to work like real fighting at all…none of the moves made any sense, I couldn't make the picture do what I was doing."

A loud roar greeted their ears and they turned to see a huge crowd gathered around one of the picture-boxes. There could be no doubt who was causing all the commotion; he was much, much taller than everyone else.

They pushed to the front of the crowd to see Ganondorf thrashing his opponent (onscreen), a boy in a leather jacket whose avatar looked like a big beefy man with short brown hair and some kind of projectile weapon. Link heard someone say "snake", but he couldn't see one anywhere.

"Oh, there you are," he said as he noticed them. "It's not all that hard once you get used to it…just a series of commands you have to remember. How did you fare?"

"Not bad," Link said, though his face and Zelda's snicker gave it away.

"It doesn't matter." Ganondorf assured him. "This thing seems to be strictly for entertainment, and as such, is of no use to us. In any case…"

An eager squeal cut him off, rising in volume and tempo as it neared; suddenly the sound reached a climax and Link fell to the ground as a girl in a Zelda costume tackled him, followed by four more.

"Yeah, that's another thing," he went on as if nothing had happened, Link struggling on the floor beneath them. "People keep _touching_ me. Are they doing that to you too?"

"I don't let them." Zelda cast an uneasy eye on a group of boys who seemed unable to shift their gaze from her chest. "I think their intentions are a little less innocent."

Ganondorf turned from the girls furiously pinching Link's cheeks to the leering boys. He stepped casually in front of Zelda and placed a hand on her shoulder, giving them a very pointed look. They turned and fled.

She stepped away. "I can take care of myself…"

"I know. I just like scaring people."

"Omigod!" One of the fangirls pulled on Link's left ear. "Are these your real ears?"

"Did you actually have plastic surgery done to make them pointy?" another demanded.

"No!" Link pulled himself to his feet, his usual calm, benevolent demeanor beginning to wear thin. "I was born with these ears! We both were!" He pointed to Zelda.

"Whoa. Are you brother and sister? You look so similar…and your costumes are _perfect_…" the first girl gushed.

"Sure. This is my wife and brother-in-law," said Ganondorf; the two Hylians glared at him. "You know where a person can get a bite to eat around here?"

"Third right, fourth left," the second girl replied.

"We've got to get out of here soon," Link muttered as he straightened his hat, the three taking their leave from the room. "This is insane. I still only understand about half of what is going on."

Zelda made a face. "What is that smell?"

Ganondorf frowned. "I think that's supposed to be the food."

Repulsed, Link muttered, "I think I lost my appetite."

"What do you suppose 'pizza' is?" Zelda scrutinized the list of items hanging on the wall.

"Who cares? It doesn't smell edible," Ganondorf replied. "Maybe we should split up again, cover more ground. There has to be somebody in here that can tell us how to use this thing." He waved the transdimensional device around. "We can meet back at that fool Andy's room, I'm sure he hasn't gotten out of that closet yet."

The three branched out over the many ballrooms of the hotel. Ganondorf chose a room at random and walked inside. This room had portraits everywhere as well, but they were the normal kind, which didn't move at all. At least he assumed that they were portraits; the people in them seemed strangely out of proportion.

"Whoa…love your Ganondorf costume," a young woman drawled from one of the many tables, its surface completely covered in colorful portraits. "Hey, take a look at these." She handed him a series of pictures – of him.

"Well, what do you think?" she asked as the woman next to her giggled. "Did we get the measurements right?"

"Uhhhhh…" He raised his head in a bemused and slightly disturbed expression. "I seem to be missing my clothes in most of these…"

More giggles. The girls shuffled through their portraits and handed him another stack. "I think you'll like these…"


	4. Fan Art and Plushies

Zelda suppressed a groan of disgust as the boy in front of her, dressed in what she could only guess was a dark mage costume,

Zelda suppressed a groan of disgust as the boy in front of her, dressed in what she could only guess was a dark mage costume, outlined a barrage of gibberish that helped her not at all. "Of course, if you want to go to the Cloud World, you should take Warp Number Five. But that one's located in Weerbeer Village, and it's kind of hard to get to if you're Experience Level isn't at 200 yet…"

"Yes, thank you," she waved him off and left, though he continued to follow her. Dodging into the crowd, she slipped behind some tables and through a side door. She found herself in another very large room crowded with people. _This doesn't end, _she thought wearily.

Abruptly she caught sight of a familiar face; or, rather, everything but his face, which was buried in a makeshift book. Running up to him, she demanded, "Ganondorf, what are you doing? That doesn't look like a spellbook. We're supposed to be looking for a way out of here, remember?"

"Okay," he said absently, not looking up.

"Have you found out anything at all?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, what?"

"In a minute."

Scowling, Zelda folded her arms. "Are you, in fact, a complete and total idiot?"

"Yes."

He finally looked up when the two girls in the booth next to him burst into laughter. "What? What did I miss?"

"What _are_ you looking at?" She pulled the book in his hands closer to eye level, stared intently for a brief second at the page he'd been examining, then recoiled in horror.

He went back to the book. "I didn't invite you to look."

"That's _never _going to happen, you do realize that, don't you?"

"Why do you suppose I'm getting my fill of it here, and now?"

"You pervert, you're old enough to be my father!"

"Can't tell from these."

She briefly considered kicking him, but all sensitive areas were well protected by armor. On a sudden inspiration she rifled through the two girls' other pictures, selected one, and discreetly slipped it between the pages. Then she stood back, arms crossed, and waited.

After a few minutes he turned the page, stared for the briefest of moments, then dropped the book and clamped his hands over his face. "AAAaaaaUUUUuuuuggghhh! My eyes! _They burn!!_"

Zelda picked up the book and extra page, and handed it back to the giggling young women. "Not a fan of Ganondorf x Link yaoi, is he?" One chuckled.

Ganondorf rubbed his eyes as if they had been sprayed with acid. "Owww…unh…that was cruel…" He opened them slowly, and scowled at the grin on Zelda's face.

"Serves you right," she said.

"What's with all the screaming? Did you find something?" Link approached them, chewing on an apple.

Zelda's mouth dropped open. "Where did you get that?" she demanded hungrily.

"Found it."

"Don't eat things you find, Link."

"He does it all the time," Ganondorf muttered, grimacing more than usual at the sight of the young man. "Saw him experimenting with purple chu jelly the other day."

Link's head turned from his two companions to the girls' booth. Thinking that anything that caused Ganondorf discomfort must be good, he decided to investigate.

"Uh, Link, we need to keep looking," Zelda nudged him. Ganondorf suddenly brightened, hoping for some entertainment. "There's nothing here for us anyway."

The two young women launched into a giggling fit. "Awww, he's so cute…looks just as innocent as the one in the games, doesn't he?" They exchanged a mischievous glance. "Do you like art?"

"Link…." Zelda warned.

"Ohhh, don't you think he has an appreciation for art? Do you think he's just an ignorant commoner?" One of the girls chided Zelda.

"It's not exactly what I'd call 'art'," Zelda snapped, looking to Ganondorf for support; but he just stood there biting his lip, eagerly awaiting the punchline.

"She's an art snob, I knew it," the other girl said with a dismissive gesture. Picking up a picture, she handed it to Link. "What do you think?"

Link stared intently; Zelda shook her head; Ganondorf trembled, trying to hold it all in.

Attempting to convey a critical air, Link said, "Well, I would guess that it's a statement on vanity…a critique on loving oneself too much…but I don't see why you think I…"

Ganondorf couldn't stand it any longer. "That's yaoi with you and Dark Link, you idiot." He collapsed into laughter, along with the two girls.

Blankly, Link asked, "What's yaoi?"

They laughed even harder.

Zelda sighed and touched her forehead in a show of pathos. "Forget it, let's just get out of here…"

"Wait, wait…" Ganondorf picked himself up off the floor and searched through the girls' drawings. "It's not fair to tease the kid. Give him something he'd like…"

"Oh, here! This is a good one." The young woman handed him a second picture and he took it, determined not to have a trick played on him again.

"I don't see what's so funny about…" Suddenly he turned bright red.

"Oh…it hurts…" Gasping, Ganondorf leaned against the table. "I'm gonna die…"

Zelda gritted her teeth. "Do I need to show you the other yaoi picture again?"

He flinched, then straightened. "No ma'am." He made a little bow. "Shall we go?"

Zelda plucked the picture from Link's hand and set it on the table with a show of disgust. "Yes, let's go."

-&-

"Oh, come on," Ganondorf grumbled. "You have to admit it's a _little_ funny."

"Not even a little," Zelda snapped.

"But when he caught sight of that picture of you and him…his face was priceless…"

"I'm _right here_, you know," Link muttered. He had briefly wondered what Zelda had used to pull Ganondorf out of his frenzy so easily, then decided he was better off not knowing. Looking for a way to pay him back, his eye fell on something piled up on another table.

"Awww," he said in an exaggerated voice. "Aren't they _cute?_"

Ganondorf's face looked like it would erupt into another spasm. "What are you…" His expression dropped like a rock as he stared in horror at the thing in Link's hands.

A table full of plushies, with an entire pile of little Ganondorfs.

"_What_," the dark warlord demanded, his face twisted in repulsion, "is _that?_"

Zelda took her cue. "Awww, they _are_ cute!" She picked up one and hugged it. "Much better than the real thing."

The salesgirl smiled. "Are you a Ganny fan too?"

Ganondorf's mouth hung open in an uncouth expression. "_GANNY?!_"

Kicking it up a notch, Zelda picked up a Link plushie. "You're just a big softie inside, aren't ya Ganny? Here, give Link a hug."

Ganondorf screamed even louder, if possible, than he had before.

"Okay, I think we've made our point." Link put his plushie back. "I gotta wonder why someone would find him cute, though."

"But he _is_ cute!" a girl in a Saria costume next to them exclaimed, then proceeded to hug the real thing.

"Get _AWAY!_" he exclaimed, prying her off. "I think I'm going to be sick," he muttered as the three of them left the booth.

"You brought it upon yourself," Link chuckled.


	5. Ganondorf Gets an Idea

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who submitted ideas

**Author's note: Thanks to everyone who submitted ideas. Thanks to you, I was able to continue.**

"It continues to confound me," Ganondorf said slowly as they walked past an entire display of plastic figurines that resembled the three of them – and many other people they knew. "That everyone here knows who we are, where we come from, and every acquaintance we've met in our lives; and yet, they all stare open-mouthed whenever we ask how we get home."

Zelda frowned. "It _is _puzzling. After all, for them to know so much, one of them at least must have journeyed to Hyrule at some point."

"You'd think we'd remember meeting some of these people," Link piped up. "They'd kind of stick out back home, even though they seem to know how we dress. One guy even gave me a detailed description of a temple I explored a while back."

"It has to do with the machines we saw in the portrait room." Zelda nodded toward two girls in Malon outfits squealing over game cartridges. "These function like books in their world. They experience the story through gameplay."

"Still," Ganondorf grunted, "_One_ of them at least must have been to Hyrule, in order to bring back information about it."

"May I have your attention please," a deep, omnipotent voice boomed across the ballroom, and the three otherworlders stood rooted to the ground. "This is just a reminder that in the next fifteen minutes, the cosplay costume contest will begin. We are honored this year to have Tite Kubo and Shigeru Miyamoto among our judges this year, so please join us in the Crystal Room."

The ballroom erupted into squeals, and a good portion of the attendees stampeded toward the door. "What on earth was that?" Link asked nobody in particular.

"I don't know, but it's got the people here excited," Zelda muttered. "Maybe we should see what it's about?"

-&-

"You're not understanding this, are you?" Ganondorf scowled at the eager faces of twelve kids and young adults that were all dressed like him, in varying degrees of accuracy. "I _am_ Ganondorf!"

"Hey, your costume's good," one of them said, "I gotta hand it to you in terms of the metalwork on that armor. But let's let the judges decide, shall we?"

"You're the most ridiculous of the lot!" he argued, pointing. "You're obviously a _girl!_"

She rolled her eyes. "Jeez, you're a stickler for convention. Next you're gonna tell us that Sheik is female."

"She _is!_" Ganondorf yelled in her face. "Sheik is Zelda, idiot!"

"You can _tell_ Sheik's a guy in Ocarina of Time and Melee. I mean, he doesn't have boobs…"

"It's a simple illusionary spell!" Ganondorf felt that his brain would burst if he had to put up with any more of this. "She made herself _look_ like a boy!"

"Now, now…" A 'Zelda' from another group patted both on their wrists. "It's all in the spirit of fun, right? Everyone has their own interpretation of the games."

Ganondorf teetered on the edge of his _I am Ganondorf_ rant again, but gave up. Turning to Zelda, he held up the little number sticker a harried-looking organizer had given him. "Why do we have to wear these? It's humiliating. Numbers are for cattle."

"I honestly don't know." Zelda affixed hers to her dress. "But everyone's excited about this, so it must be something important."

Off to the left, a group of Links stood around comparing swords. "It's not how fancy it is, it's how you _use_ it," one of them insisted as he made a few passes in the air.

"Idiot, they're not gonna let us draw swords on the stage," another one grumbled.

"Why not?" Link asked. "I mean, it's not enough just to look like me…er, Link, right?" He drew his own sword and made a set of complicated swipes. "Anybody want a sparring partner?"

They all backed off, leaving him standing there puzzled.

"All right, everyone!" The same harried-looking organizer shouted. "Time to get backstage! You'll be set up by series, then by character."

"I still don't know what we're doing," Ganondorf complained.

"Shush," Zelda told him. "Just follow everyone else."

Once backstage, the organizer separated him from the other two. He didn't much care about leaving the Hylians, but he preferred their company to the group of weirdos that now surrounded him. After fuming silently for twenty or so minutes, he began listening to the others. Most of them seemed to be attempting to get a glance of the stage, or more precisely, the audience.

"I can't see him from here," said one.

"I'm sure we'll be able to see the judges just fine once we get on stage," said another.

"Excuse me," said Ganondorf," but why are we being judged?"

"Do you mean what are we being judged on?" asked the first. Before Ganondorf could answer or even figure out this question, the boy dressed like him answered it anyway. "Well, I guess on the accuracy of our costumes of course; I mean, some go further and insist that the cosplayer has to look like his subject, but that's not really fair in my opinion. I mean, nobody really looks like Ganondorf…"

"You pull it off well," said the second.

"Thanks." The dark warlord rolled his eyes. "And how, exactly, do these judges know any better than the rest what 'Ganondorf' is supposed to look like?"

"Well, _duh_," six of them said at once, and Ganondorf had to restrain himself from pummeling all of them. "Shigeru Miyamoto's out there."

"Who's that?"

They all stared at him as if he were insane, or stupid, or both. "What, are you kidding?" the first cosplayer demanded. "You're dressed to the nines like Ganondorf and you don't know who Shigeru Miyamoto is?"

"No," he replied shortly. "Who?"

They erupted in laughter. Ganondorf began to raise his hand to start decking them when one of them finally replied, "He created the whole Legend of Zelda universe, of course! Where have you been?"

"Created?"

"Well, I'm sure he had some help," said the second cosplayer. "I mean, he didn't program any of the games by himself. But the whole idea…Zelda, Hyrule, and so on…he's the man."

Ganondorf ignored the snickers around him, finally getting a revelation. _So…this 'Shigeru Miyamoto' must be the one who journeyed to our world and brought back its tales…_

Just before it came their turn to go on the stage (right after a set of Tingles), Ganondorf tapped the first kid on the shoulder. "Which one is he?"

The boy pointed excitedly. "The one on the very end."

Ganondorf looked long and hard, and etched the man's face in his memory.

With the organizer ushering them on, the little group of Ganondorfs lined up on stage. Blinking against the bright lights, the irate warlord looked to the others for direction on what to do next. Someone ordered them to turn around, and then back again. _I don't even know how to describe this,_ he thought furiously, despite eager cheers from the audience.

All at once his companions struck ridiculous poses. One of them appeared to challenge him, and Ganondorf couldn't bring himself to do anything more than shove him. For some reason the audience found this hilarious. And then they were ushered off the stage.

"Now what?" he demanded.

"Well, we have to wait a few hours for the judges to decide on everyone," the first boy explained.

"We have to wait that long??"

"Yeah, I know how you feel…"

Ganondorf turned back to the stage, where the Zeldas were now engaged in the odd ritual. He strained to see out over the audience, then edged his way into the crowd. He wanted to get away from his two companions, because he had a good idea that they wouldn't approve of what he was about to do…


	6. Incident Near Madison Square Garden

**Author's Notes: I'm taking some liberties assuming everybody speaks English here, but I don't feel like attempting to write this with people speaking three different languages.**

Luckily for Ganondorf, he and the two others were among the last to be "judged", so he kept out of the others' sight while keeping an eye on the Miyamoto man. He waited impatiently as the theater emptied, the "judges" sitting and chatting at their little table. They stood, and still they chatted and shuffled papers. Once no one was left, he walked into the theater toward them. He had hoped to get the Miyamoto man by himself, but as someone hailed the group, they all walked to the opposite end. Ganondorf cursed under his breath and surreptitiously followed them.

They ambled around, always in crowds, and Ganondorf began to wonder if they knew they were being followed. They didn't appear to know; in fact, they seemed completely oblivious to all the strangely dressed people around them, though every once in a while someone would scream the Miyamoto man's name, or another one that Ganondorf couldn't remember. Then the little group would huddle around the two men and try to shoo away their admirers.

_This is getting ridiculous_, he thought to himself. He didn't want to make a scene, as he had no idea what the security in this world was like or what their capabilities were. And, of course, Link and Zelda would probably attempt to stop him in favor of some much slower, stupider, more agonizing method.

Finally, the men actually walked _out_ of the building, through a strange rotating door made out of glass. Ganondorf watched it for a bit, then jumped in.

_"OW!"_ He didn't fit. Some of the passer-by appeared to find this very funny. Wrenching himself out, he ignored them and chose another, normal door further down the hall.

Once outside, he looked furtively around for his quarry, driven to distraction by the horrendous, unrelenting, obnoxious _noise_ and garish colors all around him. Not to mention the crowds, pushing and shoving. Then, on top of it all, came the _smell_.

Holding his big nose and not caring who saw it, he finally spotted the Miyamoto man and ran to catch up. To his surprise he heard a loud whistle and someone shout just behind him. "Hey, buddy! What do you think you're doing?"

Ganondorf turned to face the man, and upon catching sight of him immediately thought of the Hyrule Castle guards. He stood dressed head to toe in navy blue, little insignias on his shoulders, his hand placed protectively over something on his belt like he would a sword hilt. A group of his comrades chatting behind him turned to look.

Pointing, Ganondorf said, "I'm following them. They're…friends of mine."

"Well, wait for the green light, will ya? Jeez. Wanna get run over by the cabs?" He pointed to the yellow things whizzing by just in front of them. Ganondorf would have just smacked them out of his way – as Link probably would – but perhaps they were more dangerous than they looked. He shook his head.

"Wait for the green light, okay? Tourists," he muttered, then walked back to his companions.

Confused, Ganondorf wondered just which of the many green lights he saw was the one he needed, and what effect it had on the yellow things. He noticed a little knot of strange people from the sorcerers' gathering and decided to follow their example. As he watched, a red light popped on and the traffic in front of him stopped. A little green arrow popped on, pointing left; and a line of the wheeled things, like obedient animals, all went left. Ganondorf laughed out loud.

Finally his group got to cross. He ran to catch up with the Miyamoto man's group, and came up against more wheeled things. Seeing no other soldiers around, he decided to chance it.

The second he stepped into the street a black wheeled thing screeched to a halt, then produced an obnoxiously loud noise that battered his eardrums. In a knee-jerk reaction, he slammed his fist down into the thing's face, making a big dent in its armor. That silenced it.

"Hey!" To his surprise, a person popped his head out of the side. "Whaddaya, nuts?" Ganondorf ignored him and continued his pursuit. Strangely, some of the people he passed stopped and stared, whereas others acted like they saw weirder stuff on a regular basis.

The group stopped and entered what appeared to be a shop, though he couldn't tell from the dingy front. Ganondorf stepped inside, which was dramatically different from the outside. Dark oak panels adorned the walls, with soft lights from hanging chandeliers illuminating the large room filled with tables. A man in an uncomfortable-looking suit stood between him and his quarry.

"Good afternoon, sir," said the man. "Do you have a reservation?"

Ganondorf frowned. Was he supposed to bribe the man with something? "A what?"

One eyebrow went up. "If you don't have a reservation, you'll have to leave. We're full today."

"If you can tell me what it looks like, I can go get one."

The man stared at him as if he were an idiot. "You need to call in, sir. But we haven't any available today."

"If there aren't any available, I'll be happy to get you one." For a fleeting moment Ganondorf wished he'd brought Link with him. The kid likely ran into these sorts of situations all the time.

"I'm sorry sir, but if you don't leave, I'll have to call the police."

Tired of puzzling over it, Ganondorf simply took the man by the shoulders, lifted him up, and put him down, shaking, on one side. Then he walked off to the table where the Miyamoto man sat. The concierge grabbed his telephone.

Ganondorf walked right up to the table, holding up Andy's device. "Excuse me," he said. "I would like to know if you can help me with something."

The group eyed him with profound distaste. Shigeru smiled slightly. "I'm sorry, but we're eating lunch now. Maybe I can sign an autograph for you back at the convention?"

Ganondorf ignored this. He thrust the device into Shigeru's face. "Do you know how to work this thing or not?"

Curious, Shigeru took it. He turned it over in his hands, then turned stark white. "I have no idea. I've never seen anything like it."

Frowning like a thundercloud, Ganondorf snatched it back. "You're a terrible liar. When did you go to Hyrule?"

One of the other men stood and put his hand on Ganondorf's arm. "Look, I know you're a fan of Mr. Miyamoto, but we really would like some time to ourselves…"

With very little effort, Ganondorf pushed him over. The entire restaurant watched them openly now, some discreetly trying to make for the exits. "Are you going to explain all of this?" Ganondorf demanded, his voice beginning to rise. "I don't like being here, either, but I can't get back home until you show me how this thing works!"

The door opened and a group of the blue-clad soldiers walked in, the concierge pointing a shaking finger at the hulking man in black armor. Each of the soldiers kept a wary eye on Ganondorf as they walked slowly toward him. "Hi there," one said with a careful smile. "Is there a problem here?"

Ganondorf pointed an accusing finger at Shigeru. "This man has something I need to get home, and he won't allow me to use it."

If this puzzled the police officers, they didn't show it. Turning to Shigeru, the leader asked, "Is this true?"

Shigeru shook his head violently. "I've never see this man before in my life!"

"Oh really?" Ganondorf scowled down at him. "Then how is it that you know my name? And everything else about me?"

The lead cop waved his hand to silence them. "Okay, mister, what do you need to get home? A train ticket? If you come with us to the station, maybe we can help you out."

"I need this fixed." Ganondorf thrust the device at the police officer.

He examined it, his fellows looking over his shoulder. "What is it?"

"A transdimensional transportation device."

A hidden nonverbal signal passed through the little knot of police officers. "I tell you what," the leader said. "Why don't you just come with us down to the station and we'll figure things out from there."

Ganondorf pointed to the device. "Give that back."

"You can have it back once we're at the station."

"Perhaps you didn't hear me correctly." Ganondorf's voice dropped an octave. "I said _give it back_."

"Sir, if you don't cooperate, we'll have to bring you by force, and I'm sure nobody here wants that." He fingered the handcuffs on his belt, but realized at the same time Ganondorf did that there was no way they would fit around the dark warlord's wrists.

"I'm going to say this one more time…_give it back._"

-&-

"He's not in there either?"

Link shook his head as he left the men's room. "This is bad…where could he be?"

"Are you looking for your friend?" The bizarre woman who had hit on Ganondorf at the beginning of their escapade approached them. "I saw him go outside, across from Madison Square."

"Outside?" the two said in unison, and ran for the doors.

Once out, they stood stunned for a moment in the same cacophony that Ganondorf had encountered, then looked around furtively. "How are we going to find him in all this?" Zelda asked.

"Easy. We'll stand on a chair," was Link's sarcastic reply.

"Be serious."

"Well, I don't know what to look for, except maybe madness and chaos…"

-&-

"Move please." Ganondorf picked up one of the police officers and tossed him aside, the trembling Shigeru thrown over his shoulder.

"Halt! I am ordering you to halt!" One of the officers pointed something at Ganondorf, which shot out wires that embedded themselves in his arm. He felt a nasty shock and pulled it out. "_OW!_ What is this?"

The police officer gaped. "It didn't even faze him!"

Disinterested, Ganondorf stalked out the door. As the cops attempted to follow, he reached up and pulled down a heavy metal grille hanging over the door, used when the store owner closed up shop. He bent it slightly so it couldn't be lifted back up, and sauntered back toward the hotel with the panicked Shigeru. The cops struggled with the grille for a few moments, then reached for their radios.

"Backup…we need backup!"


	7. Drastic Action

"There's no way we're going to find him in all this," Zelda said, after she and Link had searched a block in each direction. "There are too many people, and this city is huge; I can't even see where it ends." She pointed down one of the streets. "It's a huge canyon of towers."

Link sighed. "I guess there's nothing else for it…we'll have to go back to the place we came from and wait for him to come back. I'm sure we'll notice if he starts anything…"

Zelda stepped gingerly around bags of trash set on the street for pickup. "Somehow I don't think we need to worry about him attempting to take this place over."

Back at the hotel, they sat down in the lobby chairs and waited, but after a while they noticed the people dressed in costumes flocking toward the room with the moving pictures. Curious, they entered the room and saw all the moving pictures carrying the same image. It was a view of the city outside, though it kept changing perspective, sometimes showing the view from above in a shaky image. Words along the bottom of the screen read _CRAZED FAN KIDNAPS SHIGERU MIYAMOTO_. Zelda didn't know the meaning of most of the words, but "kidnaps" did make her suspicious.

"What's going on?" she asked a boy in a Dark Link outfit.

He whirled around with eyes wide. "Somebody's kidnapped Shigeru Miyamoto! They think he's one of the cosplayers from here! He got through a bunch of cops and everything!"

"Shhh," a girl in a Malon costume chided him. "The police are going to issue a statement."

A disembodied voice with a thick Brooklyn accent boomed over the room. "We would like to ask for the help of all New Yorkers to apprehend the alleged kidnapper. The suspect is described as male, tall, dressed in a costume of black armor, with red hair. The suspect is extremely dangerous; please do not attempt to apprehend him himself, but call us immediately if you see him."

Link and Zelda groaned in unison.

-&-

Ganondorf lifted the man he had been carrying over his shoulder and set him on his feet in a small alley. "Okay, we're going to go over this again. You know how this thing works – don't try and tell me you don't – and you know who _I_ am, right?"

Shigeru nodded once.

Ganondorf leaned down and looked him in the face. "So you know what I can _do_ to you if you don't cooperate, right?"

He made a startled squeak.

"All right then." He thrust the device at Shigeru. "Now show me how the thing works."

Shigeru turned it over in his hands. "It's different from mine…I can tell what it does just by looking at it, but there are some differences that could make it difficult to get you back where you belong…how did you even get this?"

"Some fool from that crazy party used it to bring us here." Ganondorf gestured in the general direction of the hotel.

"Um, excuse me for asking, but…why didn't you ask him how it works?"

Pressing his hand to his temple, Ganondorf muttered, "Well, if you met this guy…"

Shigeru nodded knowingly. "I see…he's one of _those_ fans…"

"Unh…I guess I'll have to get the others and pull Andy out of that closet…"

Startled, Shigeru demanded, "Others? What others?"

"Oh, Link and Zelda got pulled out here with me too…"

"Really?" Shigeru's face lit up. "That's amazing! I must see them!"

Ganondorf looked insulted. "Um, why are you so excited to see…never mind. Well, I don't have to carry you now, do I?"

"No, I'll come. I…" He was cut off as a series of wailing sirens passed by a block down, a troop of police cars with flashing lights.

Ganondorf saw no connection between him and the squad cars. "I wonder what all that's about?"

-&-

Link and Zelda ran down the hotel hallway, heading back to Andy's room. The situation had gone outside their control, and now they needed a local who knew who they really were in order to address it. Unfortunately, they only had one choice.

He hadn't managed to budge from his place in the closet. "I knew you good guys had to come back for me in the end!" he exclaimed as they untied him.

Link grabbed his collar. "Listen, all this insanity is _your_ fault! Ganondorf's causing trouble and we need to stop him before things get _really_ out of hand."

Andy saluted. "I am more than happy to lend my assistance to the Heroes of Hyrule!"

Zelda sighed. "You're not getting this, are you?"

Once back down in the TV room, Andy gawked at the screens. "Whoa, it's like a dream come true…"

"More like a nightmare," Link snapped. "Well, mister expert…you know this world and we don't. Where do you think they went?"

Long pause. "Ummm…the Empire State Building? It's the tallest tower in the city…"

"Is that a statement, or a guess?" Zelda demanded.

"Guess."

By this time a group of people around them were staring at all three. Link grabbed Andy by the collar again. "Let's talk somewhere a little less crowded."

-&-

Ganondorf watched a crowd of blue-clad soldiers run across the street, maybe a hundred yards away. "I wonder what's going on," he muttered.

"Uh…they're probably responding to the kidnapping…" Shigeru murmured.

Unimpressed, Ganondorf demanded, "Why? Are you important?"

"'Important' has nothing to do with it. The police are very action-oriented around here…not like the Hyrule soldiers at all…"

Frowning, Ganondorf grumbled, "But I haven't really _done_ anything…"

"Well…in proportion to your past history, no…I wouldn't push it, though…"

"Are the soldiers strong here?"

"Well, they have weapons more powerful than you've seen in…" he clapped his hand over his mouth a little too late.

"Really? Like what?"

"Er…I don't know for sure…normal people generally don't use them…oh hey, we're back at the hotel!"

Ganondorf frowned. "There seem to be an awful lot of the soldiers around…" Somehow he figured that it was not a good sign. "Let's see if we can get in somewhere around the back."

They walked into the back of the hotel, going around delivery trucks and passing by the stunned, suspicious stares of employees out for a cigarette break. Once in the door, Ganondorf turned toward the sound of familiar voices.

"What were you thinking?" Link's voice floated down the corridor. "_Were_ you thinking at all?"

"What's going on?" Ganondorf called as soon as he saw them. "What's that idiot doing out of his closet?"

Shigeru trotted forward in excitement. "Oh! I'm so pleased to meet you!"

Andy's eyes nearly started out of his head. "Omigod…it's _SHIGERU MIYAMOTO!_"

Shigeru stared at the rotund little man. "Who the heck are you?"

They all heard the oncoming rumble of footsteps. "Um…I think we should move," Link said uneasily. "If anybody see us, we're going to be in serious trouble…"

"What for?" Ganondorf asked.

They all stared at him. "You don't know??" Zelda demanded.

"What?" he stood looking completely nonplussed, unimpressed with his crime. "What'd I do?"

Link motioned for the others to follow him. "C'mon, let's get out of here. We'll get things sorted out back in Andy's room."

-&-

"There certainly are a lot of those flashing things out there," Ganondorf muttered, staring out the window.

"They're after _you_, you know that, don't you?" Andy demanded.

"It doesn't matter. This is your fault!" Link nearly pulled his hair in frustration.

"Uh, guys? I think we have further problems…" Zelda pointed to the TV in Andy's room. It showed troops of police officers running into the hotel, in full riot gear.

Andy blanched. "That's _not_ a good sign."


	8. Up a Notch

Link spread his hands

Link spread his hands. "Okay, let's just stay calm and think about this for a second. The soldiers were called out because of the kidnapping. So if we give them back this guy," here he pointed at Miyamoto, "they should be satisfied, right?"

Andy pointed at Ganondorf. "They'll still be looking for _him_," he reminded them.

"I can tell the police he ran off somewhere…and then you three can go in the opposite direction," Miyamoto offered.

"But where?" Zelda asked. "We don't know what areas of this city are safe for us."

" None, probably," Andy muttered. "The police have probably contacted all the precincts in the city."

"Then we need to get _out_ of the city, obviously." Ganondorf scowled at Andy. "Which way do we go to get out?"

"That depends on where you're going."

"Doesn't matter. Out!"

"Well, I guess you'd cross the river into Jersey…you can take the ferry or the PATH, but first you have to go to Penn Station…"

"None of that makes any sense to us," Link groaned. He looked Andy in the face. "Listen, you're going to guide us out of here." Zelda and Ganondorf grimaced in unison.

"I'll tell them you went uptown," Miyamoto stated.

"Run down ahead of us, and take the lift thing," Zelda instructed. "We'll wait a bit and watch the television. If we see the soldiers leaving, we'll sneak out of the other side of the building."

"Yeah, sneak out," Ganondorf muttered, the links in his armor clinking softly. "Great idea."

Miyamoto peeked through the door, then fled down the hall. The other four stayed glued to the television, waiting for something to happen. To their surprise, _more_ police showed up at the doors. "We've just received word that Shigero Miyamoto has been found safely inside the building," the TV announcer stated. "However, according to police, the kidnapper is still in the building and has an explosive device of some kind."

_"What??" _The three interdimensional travelers shouted in unison.

"Why would he say that?" Link demanded.

Ganondorf waved Andy's device. "I'll bet it has something to do with this thing. He'd seen it before."

His eyes as wide as platters, Andy exclaimed, "Omigod…the internet site I got the plans from stated they came from his garbage! I didn't believe it!"

The others looked blank. "What does that mean?" Zelda asked.

"Oh…my…God." Andy flapped his hands and turned in a circle, looking as if he were about to pass out. "Omigod…Miyamoto didn't _create_ Hyrule, he _went_ there! _That's_ how he got the ideas for the games. Wait till everyone hears about this!"

"You'd think I'd remember the guy, if he's been there," Ganondorf said, with nods from Link and Zelda.

Andy snatched the device from him. "I thought the plans were posted by somebody who was just trying to make them seem more authentic than they really were! I never really thought about it once I started building it…I was going to use it to take people to the Star Trek universe, to be honest…this was just a test…"

Zelda grabbed the transporter. "Andy, don't you see? The soldiers think this is an explosive device. So they'll probably kill all of us, to make sure we don't set it off!"

Andy waved that away dismissively. "Oh, they'll probably use negotiation or something…man, wait till the papers get a load of this…!"

"We can't take that chance." Link listened at the door, and upon hearing nothing, opened it. "We've got to try and get past them to this…Penn Station, was it? Then we can get out of the city, and…"

"I have a better idea." Ganondorf snatched the device and held Andy up in the air by his collar. "You send us back home."

"Can I come with you?" Andy asked eagerly.

"Goddesses, no!" all three replied in unison.

Andy crossed his arms. "Then forget it. I won't do anything unless I can either go with you, or get to sell my story to the media!"

Link knocked Ganondorf's hand out of the way just as he clenched his fist. "Idiot, you can't kill him! He's the only one who knows how to work the thing!"

"That's right!" Andy danced a happy jig, thrilled to have outsmarted the legendary warriors. "Either you bring me with you, or come with me outside the city where I can find somebody to get me famous!"

Ganondorf reached for him, hand outstretched and feet tearing up the carpet as Link and Zelda held him back. "Let me hurt him just a little bit."

Suddenly a door slam echoed down the hall. "The cops are here!" Andy exclaimed.

Link pushed him forward. "Like I said, we need to get past them somehow. Zelda, can you throw them off?"

She nodded once and left the room. The other three ran for the west stairwell. Behind them they heard a bloodcurdling shriek followed by Zelda's voice. "He went that way! The eastern stairs!"

"Wait for me!" she yelled upon entering the stairwell. After she caught up with the others, they heard doors whip open and feet pounding a few floors below them. "Quick, back into the hotel!" Link yelled.

They ran down a hallway and past a window, which like many in the city, looked out toward another building a scant seven feet away. Zelda took note of the fire escape on the other building. "If we can figure out how to open this window, we can climb down through there."

"No time." Ganondorf punched through the window, sending glass shards flying. Link leaped nimbly onto the fire escape, followed by Zelda, followed by Andy (involuntarily and face-first), followed by Ganondorf. The moment the dark warlord's feet hit the stairwell, the metal snapped under him and he slammed into the platform below.

"I'm all right," he grunted, picking himself up, an impression left in the grille. The other three followed him down the stairs, dented slightly from his feet.

"Where's Penn Station?" Link demanded.

Andy peered around the corner. "There are too many cops by the main entrance. There's another entrance a few blocks this way."

They skirted the police checkpoint and a crowd of curious bystanders. Andy led them down a hot interesting-smelling stairwell toward something that rattled and banged.

"There's more subway lines downtown, in case we have to switch," Andy muttered more to himself than anyone else. Without thinking, he whipped a little card out of his pocket and ran it through a crack in the mechanism. Link tried to follow him and got stopped by the turnstile.

"How do we get through?" he demanded.

"Oh, I forgot," Andy said, frazzled. "You gotta get a ticket…um, not sure how you can do that…"

As Link bent down to examine the turnstile, Ganondorf pushed him aside. "Why do you people always have to overcomplicate things?" He stepped over to a gate meant for people in wheelchairs and others that could not go through the turnstile. It was locked shut by an electronic magnet, but Ganondorf wrenched it open with little effort. "After you," he said to the other two.

They ignored the stares of the people around them as they stepped onto the train platform. "What is everyone waiting for?" Zelda asked.

As if to answer her, the rattling grew to a thunderous roar and a shock of wind whipped them in the face as the train raced into the station. It slowed to a stop, and crowds of people exited and entered, paying no attention to the open-mouthed stares of the three otherworlders.

"C'mon, get on!" Andy urged, and the three followed, pushing in among the rest of the people as well as they could.

"Um, excuse me, sir, could you move your…" A young man gestured to Ganondorf's right shoulder, which pinned him against the wall. The old warlord glared at him and shifted slightly, releasing him.

"Stand clear of the closing doors, please," a crisp, disembodied voice stated.

"Oh, sorry." Zelda snatched her dress out of the way.

"Which way to the river?" Link asked the voice.

"It's not gonna answer you," Andy informed him.

"Why not?" Ganondorf scowled at the ceiling. "What's its problem?"

"Look, just trust me," Andy urged.

They glared at him as the train started up and raced through the subway. Some of the riders ignored them completely; other stared openly; and still others peeked cautiously from behind magazines and newspapers.

"Fourteenth Street – Union Square," the voice announced. "Transfer is available to the 4, 5, B, and V trains."

"Crud," Andy grumbled. "It's rush hour – this is an express train."

"What's that mean?" Zelda asked.

"It means it doesn't make all the stops – I was hoping we could get off at some little stop, where there aren't as many people…"

"I'm sure each of these is as good as any other," Ganondorf grumbled.

"Fulton Street," the voice announced.

"Shoot, we're going to wind up in Brooklyn," Andy fretted. "That's the opposite direction that we want to go."

"Then we'll just get off at the next stop," Link suggested, exasperated.

"No, no!" Andy urged. "Not here!"

"Wall Street," said the voice.

"Bye." Ganondorf stepped out of the train and onto the platform. The other two followed him.

"Stop!" Andy jumped out of the train. "This is the worst place to get off! It's crawling with cops!"

"I can't take this underground dungeon anymore," Ganondorf snapped. "It's loud, dingy, and it smells."

"Hear, hear!" agreed Link.

The three travelers hurried through the hallways, Andy puffing along behind them. They climbed up a set of stairs, and found themselves in a huge, high-ceilinged atrium.

Andy caught sight of one of the security guards, staring at the group and speaking into his radio. "This is gonna be a problem…"


	9. Hazardous Materials

-1_Author's Note: I did not originally intend to have this story take place in New York. But as they started leaving the hotel, I realized it was the only interesting city that I'm familiar with (I work there). I've been to a number of large cities, but I don't know them as well. I'm familiar with Minneapolis, but that's not an interesting city. XD Short chapter is short, but I figured I should indicate that I'm still working on this._

Ganondorf glanced around the atrium. On one side was a blank wall, on another a row of shops. On opposite ends he found rows of glass doors leading out. He picked one at random. The other two otherworlders followed as Andy fussed. "Guys, the guards know we're here…it's just a matter of time…"

He tugged at Zelda's sleeve as she examined the tall buildings, the crowds of people, the lopsided streets and the fluttering pile of pigeons. "We gotta move…"

"Silence," Ganondorf barked. "Unless you have something useful to say." He picked a person at random, an elderly man wearing a dark suit that looked far too hot for the fair weather. Grasping the startled stranger by the collar, he demanded, "Which way to the river?"

The elderly man, not used to such forceful requests for directions, managed to stammer a question. "The East River or the Hudson?"

"Hudson," Zelda clarified.

The man pointed wordlessly to their right. Ganondorf let him go and he sank to the ground, then scrambled up and sprinted off as fast as he could in the other direction.

They approached a building of older architecture, an enormous flag stretched across its pillars. Link took note of the collection of soldiers milling around its entrance, fencing snaking around its front. "This looks a little conspicuous. Maybe we can take a back alley or something?" he turned down a side street, occupied only by a man with a dog. Andy stiffened when he saw it.

Zelda identified the man as a soldier and steered clear of him. As Link walked by, the man ignored him, preoccupied with his radio. But the dog sniffed the air and growled at Link.

Link stretched out his hand. "Shh, good dog." Andy debated whether or not he should run.

The dog, a black Lab, pulled Link's had from his head. "No! Bad dog!" Link snatched it back.

The commotion finally caught his attention and he turned from his radio to see Link tugging at the hat in the dog's mouth. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to hand that over for a moment, please."

Link, ever the polite adventurer, let the dog have it. Andy started creeping back the way he came. Zelda turned toward the dog in concern and Ganondorf snorted in impatience.

The soldier took the hat and reached into it, pulling out a boomerang, a bottle with a fairy in it, an enormous steel ball and chain, and a series of other things that logically should not fit inside even a magician's hat, his eyes getting wider with each item.

"I should warn you," Link said, trying to be helpful. "If you don't want it to go off, you shouldn't pull out the…"

The soldier pulled out a bomb, jumping in surprise as the fuse lit itself.

"Um, here…" Link held out his hands for it. "I'll take care of…"

Wild-eyed, the soldier snatched it away, holding it from arm's length, clearly panicked and unsure what to do. Ganondorf leaped forward and snatched it out of his hands, throwing the bomb straight up into empty air. It exploded with a resounding BOOM that echoed off the walls of the buildings, filling the immediate area with smoke.

Pandemonium erupted in the streets. People ran wildly in all directions amid panicked screams. "So much for sneaking around," Ganondorf snapped as Link scrambled to stuff everything back in his hat. "Let's go, before we bring the whole place down upon us!"

"Where's Andy?" Zelda demanded amid the chaos. Link spotted him ducking back into the crowd. He used his shield to press into the throng, then snatched the transporter device from his pocket without Andy even noticing. Link turned and followed the other two as they fled up the alleyway.

As the crowd ran in a radial pattern from the source of the panic, the people they encountered turned and fled as well, most not even looking back. A wall of people pressed westward in front of the three otherworlders, overturning hot dog stands and street vendors' tables in their wake. They passed a church, and turned down a corridor with a high chain-link wall on one side. Zelda could see an enormous hole on the other side of the fence, stretching for several blocks.

Finally some of the crowd began slowing and glancing back, once they realized there was no immediate danger. Zelda glanced to her left to see Link climbing the chain-link fence. "What are you doing?" she demanded, as he gingerly avoided the barbed wire at the top.

"Trying to get a better look around," he answered. "I can't see anything, the buildings are too tall."

As the crowd rushed away, a few people ran toward the bomb site, mostly the blue-clad "soldiers". Zelda covered her ears as loud, mechanical screaming rent the air. The crowd parted to let one of the wheeled machines through, an enormous red contraption with flashing lights, crammed with men in matching uniforms. An inscription in front read:

DEFENDING LIBERTY street

"Freeze! I said freeze!" Link and Zelda turned to see Ganondorf riding toward them on a horse, the first one they had seen since arriving in this strange world. He held another horse's reins. The shouts came from two police officers who until just then had been mounted upon the horses, and both held their guns pointed at him. He turned toward them with irritation, then made an almost imperceptible gesture. The two officers disappeared.

"Stop that!" Zelda snapped. "Don't use magic here! You'll disrupt the delicate balance of…"

"I ran out of ideas, all right?" he yelled back in frustration. "All I did was put them somewhere else. Would you rather I threw them into that pit?"

Link climbed down the chain-link fence. "Every minute we're here causes more disruption. If we can find a quiet place for a few minutes, maybe we can figure out how to work the transporter device." He mounted the horse and Zelda pulled herself up behind him. He nudged the horse forward, and they galloped off away from the increasing commotion.


End file.
